Rocky Relationships
by Hawki
Summary: Oneshot: Even in the insanity of Blood Gulch, Tucker could find some 'quiet time' with his boulder. Problem was, it wasn't his boulder anymore. In fact, it was a "diamond" called "Tom." Or at least it was according to a certain unicorn...


**Rocky Relationships**

"Hey Tucker? Yeah...you know when you laugh when you've got milk in your mouth? And then it comes out your nose? Tucker?"

Tucker walked away from Caboose and Blue Base. A.k.a. walked away from the dumbest moron in this gulch, if not the universe and from Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. A.k.a. walked away to get some quiet, private time. Which while lacking a term that might warrant the phrase "also known as," was nonetheless the subject of alternate terminology. Terminology that was unneeded as far as Caboose was concerned, completely useless against Church (bar making him miss his old organic body) and thankfully, completely unknown to Vic.

"Hey Sheila," the aqua/teal trooper said to the boulder. "Long time no see."

Was it insulting to the dead to name his...special place after the dead? If so, the pimp didn't know nor care. The tank was dead/deactivated and set to have its chassis join the great trash yard in the sky, whilst Tucker insulted Church (also dead) all the time. He'd come up with another name for his boulder if he needed it, but until then...

"Right..." the PFC said as he laid his hands on the boulder as he got into position. "Can't help but associate white stuff with milk right now, but maybe we can..."

"Hands off my gem!"

"Son of a bitch!"

"Hijo de puta!" Church exclaimed back at the base. "Son of a bitch," not "mandre de Dios," which actually meant "mother of God." Something that Tucker had learnt while browsing the Spanish-English dictionary. A dictionary that revealed that "ponies" was the plural used in both languages.

Ponies that were white, had horns like rhinos, and were clearly insane.

"Hands off my gem!" the...thing...neighed, "barked," not being a good use of onomatopoeia in either language. "He's mine! All mine!"

Tucker stared at the pony, able to comprehend such a term, along with accepting that it was actually talking and not barking or neighing. Accepted that it had a white/grey mane, an indigo mane, gem-shaped markings on her...rear and wide eyes that Tucker usually associated with his girlfriends after they discovered they were pregnant. Not that this was the circumstance here thankfully, but even with a disparity in height, protection and armament, the Blue felt he was at a disadvantage.

"Um...bow chikka bow wow?" Tucker asked eventually.

"Bow? Yes...bow before me you pauper!"

"Um...sure," the human stammered, reflecting that "pauper" might not be such a bad term given the pitiful allowance Blue Command gave its soldiers. He made his way over to Sheila. "I'm sure my rock Sheila and I will-..."

"His name's Tom! And he's a _diamond_!"

For a moment, Tucker knew what it felt like to be Caboose. Not so much as in lack of intelligence, but rather in the sense of utter helplessness, that he needed someone's orders (even Church's) to function. On one hand, he was equipped with state of the art power armour, a pistol that could put the mule down in a single shot, and was...well, whatever positive qualities being a pimp brought in these kind of circumstances. On the other, he was being faced with a pony/alien/? that had now proceeded to lift up Sheila/Tom on her back and plod down towards the heart of the canyon, mentioning something about inscriptions on Tom's diamond layer and Ponyville.

_How do you even write on a diamond? And is Ponyville a code for Red Base or something?_

Well, that didn't sound too surprising. After Red Team got that pink girl member that took out Tex and Sheila, "Ponyville" sounded like a completely viable acronym.

"Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh!"

_Speaking of which..._

Tucker didn't feel threatened when he saw the pink Red running out from her own base, nor did he feel the urge to raise his weapon. He had too many other...urges to deal with right now, and with the pony having taken his outlet for them, she was at the focus of what passed for his military mind. A pony that had made surprising headway into the centre of the canyon, and was currently in the midst of getting ready to defend her "diamond!"

"Hands off punk! He's mine! All mine!"

The pink stopped her sprint, but seemingly more from reaching the pony in question rather than following her orders. Even the piercing gaze of the unicorn didn't seem to deter her. Instead, as far as Tucker could tell, she seemed...excited by it.

_Well, I suppose girls _are _into ponies. Even homicidal ones..._

"You...you have no idea how this feels..." the pink trooper stammered. "To actually meet...a real life...pony."

_Yeah, I know..._Tucker reflected. _Feels like the canyon's messing with your head..._

"To satisfy the brony within me..."

_...what?_

"To give me the honour of..."

_...wait, did he say "brony?" What on earth is a..._

"...carrying your boulder for you?"

Tucker turned away from the exclamations of "diamond" and shouts of pain from the pink female trooper. Shouts that seemed oddly male...

"Keep your envious eyes off me and Tom! Stay out of the way and no-one gets hurt!"

...or maybe it only sounded male by comparison. Kind of like that strange voice in the background mentioning chaos, and inter-dimensional, interplanetary fun...

Fun that Tucker knew he'd have to find another boulder for.

* * *

_A/N_

_Admittedly this isn't the first oneshot I've done on Tucker's rock or "Tom." Still, somehow came up with the idea of combining the two together. _

_(09/11/11): Corrected Donut's double statement._


End file.
